Today I thought to myself, "Hey, you know, self, you haven't checked Stuff White People Like in a while. And since we're, you know, currently undergoing a pretty intense Literary Feud, we should really stop by." And so I headed over, because if there's one thing I agree with, it's myself.
That's when I saw it.
#126 VESPA SCOOTERS.
As it stands, every single white person on earth either owns, has owned, or is dreaming about owning a Vespa Scooter. And why not? They are Italian, feature vintage design, low emissions, make the rider look more sophisticated, and they carry a little bit of risk. In fact, were it to have a liberal arts degree and a steady income, a Vespa scooter would possesses every important quality that a white person looks for in a spouse.
That's just too goddamn far, SWPL. I am so mad about this that my brain short-circuited and I actually chuckled when I saw this post! Do you know how mad I need to be for that kind of backwards reaction to happen? Spoiler alert: I DID NOT KNOW UNTIL TODAY. So basically, you have pissed me off more than anything I have ever experienced in my admittedly short life, and that is a list that includes sock with sandals, the abstract concept of Anthony Hopkins, and ex-boyfriends who were actually emotional black holes in disguise (sort of like Transformers but with less Shia LeBeouf). So I hope you grasp the import of what I'm saying.
GYAHHYGUH. I am impotent with rage. My love of Vespas is long documented, and I mince no words when I say that you have ruined this mod-lin love affair. In one swift stroke, SWPL, you have make this feud personal and quite frankly, I thought you were better than that.
So great news, Stuff White People Like. I'm pretty sure I can sue you for defamation of character now. And also, for being sneaky bastards who somehow broke the lock on my diary even though I hid it really well. Yeah, like I'm so sure it fell off the bookshelf all by itself. Did you really think I was going to buy that? I have a liberal arts degree, you know, I wasn't born yesterday. YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY TRUST!
The next time our paths cross, it will already be too late.
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