Oliver Stone is going to reinvent the concept of film.

by Jillian Leigh, Ampersandology

Word on the street is that Wall Street 2 hits the pavement of New York to begin filming this very day, and the signs are aligning for Oliver Stone to decimate everything you thought you knew about Wall Street, the recession, unnecessary but well-timed sequels and Michael Douglas' hairline, not to mention the abstract concept of film.

The film has collected quite the enviable cast--for the record, Michael Douglas, Shia LaBeouf, Carey Mulligan, Frank Langella, Josh Brolin, and Susan Sarandon have all signed on, somewhat inexplicably (Javiar? Javiar, where did you go?). But more importantly, it has gained the crucial element of any truly successful sequel: the subtitle. This monolith of cinema is now known as Wall Street 2 COLON! Money Never Sleeps. Ominous! And now, with forboding subtitle securely in place, Wall Street 2 is well on the way to becoming a blight---er, beacon on the resumes of all involved.

According to this spoiler-city report from The Playlist (what lucky eyes to have read the actual script!!), this new sequel is poised not only on the edge of my hopes and dreams, but also promises to deliver the kind of preachy, sensationalist spin on the recession that only Oliver Stone can give us, even if we didn't know we needed it, and quite frankly, think we'd be happier without it. Kind of like the clap.

And the script apparently doesn't disappoint (I didn't read the above entry too closely; I want to be surprised on opening day, like a virginal bride on her wedding night). As Andrew Hart report, we'll see lots of Shia being a cocky brat, the 'ripped from the headlines' non-shock that Stone so loves, and, best of all, "plenty of I-told-you-so monologues" from the man himself, Gordon "Don't Muss the Upholstery, I Just Had it Sleezed" Gekko. So. Many. Flavors of outstanding!

But dear readers, I withheld the MOST CRUCIAL PIECE OF INFORMATION. I only did this to protect you, because it nearly blew my mind. So I suggest you stop reading now if you want to remain pure of heart for this orgy of cinematic rebirth, because while this is the best news in the world, I can only guess the power of my reaction, had I waited.

Yes, Virginia. Charlie Sheen WILL be reprising his role as Bud Fox. Eh, who cares that it's a small cameo? What does size have to do with anything? After all, the Ewoks killed Darth Vader (...right? That's how that went down, right? I'm sorry, I was so upset after they digitally imposed Hayden Christensen's face on Anakin that I struck most of Return of the Jedi from my memory). You can't keep Bud Fox down forever, you oppressive law men! Because money never sleeps, you fools. Money never sleeps. Oh my God, I just got it. Wall Street greed has something to do with the recession. Oliver Stone, you canny wizard man. You know us better than we know ourselves.