Mad Men's second season draws to a close...

...and I scramble desperately to find something else to occupy my waking hours. I CANNOT MEDITATE DURING THIS PARTICULAR EMERGENCY. It's going to be rough; the nearest estimate I heard for season three was July 2009. That's...many months from now! Many months. I'll have to fuel my obsession with only the fumes of 1960s hijinks. I suspect I'll be reading a lot of period literature and watching many terrible films starring Doris Day. God, I might have to watch Pillow Talk again. That was a dark day.

 The episode itself was underwhelming, which was fine: I didn't expect to be blown out of the water. No, instead, Mad Men built me a raft so I could float down the water and quietly tally my sins. Or something less dramatic. If I'm honest, I was left unimpressed with the use of the Cuban Missile Crisis as the framing device du jour. I think that had mostly to do with the show's tendency to underplay the subtext and jack up the surface; as such, the sense of panic, terror and apocalypse felt like a case of tell, not show. Unlike most of the ingenious cultural timeline spikes they've used in the past, using those 13 days in 1962 left me wanting: knowing the outcome in this case sort of deflates its impact, instead of subverting it.The line Mad Men has to dance between being precious and being relevant is paper thin.

Something like the Nixon/Kennedy race, which could have been a self-referential mess ("Hey, Nixon's trust-worthy, not like that little punk Kennedy!"), was used perfectly: they used the race to pit generational differences against each other and play on the expectation that every single viewer knew what the outcome would be. Meditations on an Emergency didn't do it poorly, obviously, just not as smoothly as other episodes have. 

But back to the REAL issue, as presented in the helpful visual I've made just for the occasion: 

...to my new life's work! 

As 'unfortunate' as it is, Mad Men has overtaken my previous instruction at the School of Hard Knocks and shown me the RIGHT way to conduct myself in matters private and public, personal and business. Contained inside the detailed scripture of Mad Men's canon I find the answers to the questions that have long haunted me, such as:

 Q. Mad Men, how can I get respect at my workplace?
A. Belittle everyone, but only in ways that you can deny later. Don't waste a single word. Keep a fifth of rye on hand at all times. Be better at everything than anyone, especially the things you haven't done yet. Wait a month before you remember the new girl's name—she might not last and you don't want to waste your time.

 

Q. I've been told my attire can sometimes be inappropriate. Is it possible my hemlines are too short?
A. Those people are jealous. Darling, God wouldn't have given you such precious little ankles if he didn't want you to show them off. If I were you, I'd invest in some heels and maybe a new anklet; anything to put a little salsa in your step.

 

Q. Black dress with the swirly skirt or red dress with the cute sleeves?
A. The color of the dress is irrelevant. Ideally, it will end up on the floor of someone’s office or hotel room, so maybe what you should be thinking about is how it looks crumpled in your evening’s path across the room. Also, can it be dry-cleaned?

 

Q. Mad Men, am I a bad person?
A: Probably not. But what the hell do we know?

 

Clearly, all that effort I put into being a modern woman was USELESS; I have to become the modern, female incarnation of the 1960s MAN. It sounds confusing and sort of mentally unbalanced but I’m convinced it’s worth my time. I will carry the beautiful message of those misguided smucks forward into the 21st century with grace, aplomb and a considerable store of whiskey. Luckily, I can use the hiatus to forward my new! Impressive! Lifegoal!

 

My 11 Step Plan to Becoming the Ms. Draper of Our Modern World
A.K.A.  Things to Fill the Gaping, Hollow Dearth of New Mad Men

 1. Invest in suits: many, many suits. 

2. Work on my ability to blow everyone away every time I say anything.

3. Smoke and drink. Constantly.

4. Practice my misogynistic slurs on my family and friends; collect feedback:

                        Me: "I will not let a woman talk to me like this!"
                        Friend: "You should mention that to your gender. Also, WHAT?"
                        Me: "Hmm, you seem offended. TERRIFIC!"

5. Perfect my belittling ability down to a Look--one solid glance that within 1.3 seconds can destroy the Pete Campbells of the world and herald my arrival as Draper Heir to the Future.

6. Make bad decisions--lots of 'em.

7. Fear the future and despise the past: suspect the young and dismiss my elders.

8. Dress impeccably—everyone is watching you.

9. Hit on everyone, but only if it gets me what I want.

10. Be ruthless—but not in a mean way. Make it seem like my success is not only incidental, but also disposable.

11. And finally, I will move forward. This never happened. It will amaze you how much this never happened.

 

There you have it. By July 2009, I will have BECOME Don Draper, or a reasonable, gender-appropriate facsimile. Stay tuned for updates!