From Here to Fraternity

The Politico Dreamboat of the Week is none other than...

New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo!!!1!! OMG!!

How did this dreamy dreamboat end up nabbing top prize away from the House of Rahm? Ooh, that's an easy one: he almost single-handedly exposed the shady AIG bonuses, using the resources of his own office to investigate and uncover the sneaky dealings. 

And then he wrote everybody a letter! 

No, seriously. Like, everybody. With all the stamps Cuomo's been laying down, the Upper West Side was starting to feel like a Jane Austen novel (you know, the one with all the letter writing! Oh wait, THAT'S ALL OF THEM).  I literally could not wait until another Cuomo letter was released. 

In fact, if you didn't receive a letter from Andrew Cuomo, you should probably start to feel really bad about yourself and your place in this world. I got mine yesterday! He doesn't like my parallel parking, which he calls "short-sighted" and an "insouciant disregard of yellow lines" but he signed it with a little picture of a fire hydrant and a kitty! GIRLS! He's also a pretty good drawer, which means he's sensitive and probably reads poetry. 

Listen to him smack talk those bailout suckers and fall under his dreamboat spell! Part of his letter to AIG  included a numbered list (clearly the bitchiest kind) which really wants to know "whether, as you claim, such individuals are truly required to unwind AIG Financial Product's positions." WHA! Oh Andrew, you did NOT go there! But he did! 

And what did those other letters say? Oh, well, they were well-worded and very professional...but bitchy to the core. He was all, "$165 mil? NO DEAL, AIG!" And Edward Liddy was like, "awwww, guys, but we hafta!" And then Cuomo was all, "Oh yeah, you think so? Hey, AMERICAN PEOPLE? GUESS WHAT." He was raised in Queens, yo. When you don't have something nice to say, you SAY IT LOUDER. 

It gets better! "Last week," he wrote in a March 17th letter to Rep. Barney Frank, "AIG made more than 73 millionaires in the unit which lost so much money that it brought the firm to its knees." In other words, you got some 'spaining to do, AIG! So consider Andrew Cuomo the motherflippin' Spanish Inquisition. 

He's been on the case since late February, way before it got trendy to be outraged. He forced Merrill Lynch to fess up on their own bogus bonuses, Now he's seeking to find and publish every last AIG bonus recipient--relentless in his pissed-offness, just like a true New Yorker should be. Cuomo was one of the front runners for Hillary Clinton's empty Senate Seat and was described by the New York Times as "whip smart but often abrasive." Those two points may seem unrelated, but any Dreamboatologist can tell you, they are practically the SAME THING.

He also hangs out with Tina Fey!!! That's like, a Democratic litmus test for being hip! Look, they are having a whisper party!

BREAK DOWN OF SAMPLE HEADLINES:  

Seizing the Moment: AG Cuomo hits AIG bozos (Newsday) 

The Cuomo Challenge (Artsvoice)

Andrew Cuomo Carries Big Stick on Health Reform (Wall Street Journal)

I have yet to read a story about Cuomo that does not use this forceful, dreamboat language! He cannot help it. Cuomo simply brings that out in people. 

Maureen Dowd, somewhat unfairly, said that Cuomo was the only Democrat truly interested in transparency--unlike Obama and crew!!! OMG. Now Maureen, I don't blame you for getting as little flustered, maybe saying things you don't mean: Andrew's studly dreamousity makes a gal lightheaded. 

Congrats, Cuomo. Way to uphold the ultra-sekrit Democratic handshake. Some people wait their whole lives for this kind of honour.