I only lied because it was the easiest way of getting what I wanted.

Really huge news for Literary Troublemakers everywhere this week (formerly the Literary Outlaw Brigade; changed for union purposes). Nicholson Baker is spending all the New Yorker's money and saying it's for ART! Say yes to TROUBLEMAKING! I am so excited right now!

Nicholson Baker has always held a soft spot in the brain where my heart should be; he's non-funny funny, smarter than me and the man loves a tangent like Brando loves the fact that pizza delivers.

Anyway, Baker was writing a piece for the New Yorker on the Kindle. You know, the e-book that bugs me on principle but I have to admit might be pretty convenient? The piece itself is typical Bakerian goodness: insightful and quirky, with just a hint of grandfatherly irreverence! But someone, in this glorious age of shared information, got ahold of the expense report for the article. And by someone, I mean New York Magzaine. God bless the Internet, I say.

And boy, IS IT OUTRAGEOUS...ly awesome:

• A Kindle 2 ($359)
• A Bernard Cornwell novel "about ancient Britain" (probably Stonehenge — $8.76)
• De Quincey's Confessions ($0.99)
• "several versions" of The Jungle Book (most on Amazon are priced at about $1)
• James Paterson's Max ($9.99)
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing Erotic Romance ($9.99)
• Michael Connelly's The Lincoln Lawyer (the paperback and the Kindle version, both $7.99)
• Mari Carr's Tequila Truth ($2.80)
• Konrad Lorenz's King Solomon's Ring ($9.99)
• The Cheese Lover's Cookbook & Guide ($9.99)
• Joseph Mitchell's The Bottom of the Harbor ($13.80)
• A subscription to the e-version of the New York Times ($13.99/month)
• The Algorithmic Beauty of Seaweeds, Sponges, and Corals ($85.40)
• Imaging in Oncology ($287.96)
• Selected Nuclear Materials and Engineering Systems ($6,431.20)

Total: $7,615.83


Of course, I'm not here to make anyone look bad (except you, Hopkins. I'm WATCHING YOU). So I must rush to add that Baker later came to his own defense in the comments section, and it seems it was all just a big understanding:

May I help? Amazon didn't give me or loan me anything. The New Yorker
didn't buy me anything. I bought the iPod Touch and the Kindle 2 myself, as part
of the cost of research. (You can't begin an article by saying "I ordered a
Kindle 2 from Amazon" if the magazine is buying the device for you.) I also
bought some e-books and two mass-market paperbacks. For the expensive e-books I
looked at images that were part of the free downloadable sample. In June I also
bought a Kindle DX, but that one I'll be deauthorizing and sending to The New
Yorker and they'll reimburse me for it.

In other words, what I will eventually "score" for writing this piece
is the payment for the piece.

I'm really happy about owning the iPod Touch. I would never have bought one otherwise, and it's good for reading at night. Also you can store pdf files on a Zumo drive.

I hope this clarifies things.

PWNED, NYMAG! Get your facts straight!

But none of that matters when we could just point out what a massive win this is for the ongoing struggle of Literary Troublemaking to gain legitimacy in a politically correct world. To be perfectly honest, I still prefer my version of the story, where Baker just racks up a huge, outrageous bill and expects the magazine to pay for it...not like a jerk, just like a clueless, socially out of touch writer would. No ill will! No expectations! Just an endearing sort of befuddlement.

The reason I prefer this explanation is not because it makes me indignant, that it makes me think of all the other Literary Troublemakers and their hilarious bad-ass stories, including but not limited to:

• William S. Burroughs' attempt to recreate the William Tell incident by shooting a glass off wife's head; misses apple but not wife.
• The love life of Lord Byron, which was reads like a pamphlet on "STDs and How to Get All of Them."
• Dorothy Parker eating men for breakfast.
• Henry James blowing off America for keeps.
• James Joyce holding a thin veil of contempt for his readers, and most other humans for good measure.
• Ernest Hemingway being drunk at all times.
• F. Scott Fitzgerald being drunk at all times.
• Raymond Carver being drunk at all times but at least getting a book out of it.
• Martin Amis basically being the Mick Jagger of the publishing world.
• Percy B. Shelley inventing the concept of bromance with Lord Byron; depressing his new wife with their ardor.
• Any Marlon Brando story, ever.

I love Literary Troublemakers. Their deeds inspire me. Mostly though, to make trouble. But also art! So really, everybody wins!

Links:

A New Page (Nicholson Baker's New Yorker piece)

Nicholson Baker Runs Up Awesome Set of Expenses For New Yorker Kindle Review (NYMag)

copyright Jill Butler, Ampersandology