I only lied because it was the easiest way of getting what I wanted.

Really huge news for Literary Troublemakers everywhere this week (formerly the Literary Outlaw Brigade; changed for union purposes). Nicholson Baker is spending all the New Yorker's money and saying it's for ART! Say yes to TROUBLEMAKING! I am so excited right now!

Nicholson Baker has always held a soft spot in the brain where my heart should be; he's non-funny funny, smarter than me and the man loves a tangent like Brando loves the fact that pizza delivers.

Anyway, Baker was writing a piece for the New Yorker on the Kindle. You know, the e-book that bugs me on principle but I have to admit might be pretty convenient? The piece itself is typical Bakerian goodness: insightful and quirky, with just a hint of grandfatherly irreverence! But someone, in this glorious age of shared information, got ahold of the expense report for the article. And by someone, I mean New York Magzaine. God bless the Internet, I say.

And boy, IS IT OUTRAGEOUS...ly awesome:

• A Kindle 2 ($359)
• A Bernard Cornwell novel "about ancient Britain" (probably Stonehenge — $8.76)
• De Quincey's Confessions ($0.99)
• "several versions" of The Jungle Book (most on Amazon are priced at about $1)
• James Paterson's Max ($9.99)
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing Erotic Romance ($9.99)
• Michael Connelly's The Lincoln Lawyer (the paperback and the Kindle version, both $7.99)
• Mari Carr's Tequila Truth ($2.80)
• Konrad Lorenz's King Solomon's Ring ($9.99)
• The Cheese Lover's Cookbook & Guide ($9.99)
• Joseph Mitchell's The Bottom of the Harbor ($13.80)
• A subscription to the e-version of the New York Times ($13.99/month)
• The Algorithmic Beauty of Seaweeds, Sponges, and Corals ($85.40)
• Imaging in Oncology ($287.96)
• Selected Nuclear Materials and Engineering Systems ($6,431.20)

Total: $7,615.83


Of course, I'm not here to make anyone look bad (except you, Hopkins. I'm WATCHING YOU). So I must rush to add that Baker later came to his own defense in the comments section, and it seems it was all just a big understanding:

May I help? Amazon didn't give me or loan me anything. The New Yorker
didn't buy me anything. I bought the iPod Touch and the Kindle 2 myself, as part
of the cost of research. (You can't begin an article by saying "I ordered a
Kindle 2 from Amazon" if the magazine is buying the device for you.) I also
bought some e-books and two mass-market paperbacks. For the expensive e-books I
looked at images that were part of the free downloadable sample. In June I also
bought a Kindle DX, but that one I'll be deauthorizing and sending to The New
Yorker and they'll reimburse me for it.

In other words, what I will eventually "score" for writing this piece
is the payment for the piece.

I'm really happy about owning the iPod Touch. I would never have bought one otherwise, and it's good for reading at night. Also you can store pdf files on a Zumo drive.

I hope this clarifies things.

PWNED, NYMAG! Get your facts straight!

But none of that matters when we could just point out what a massive win this is for the ongoing struggle of Literary Troublemaking to gain legitimacy in a politically correct world. To be perfectly honest, I still prefer my version of the story, where Baker just racks up a huge, outrageous bill and expects the magazine to pay for it...not like a jerk, just like a clueless, socially out of touch writer would. No ill will! No expectations! Just an endearing sort of befuddlement.

The reason I prefer this explanation is not because it makes me indignant, that it makes me think of all the other Literary Troublemakers and their hilarious bad-ass stories, including but not limited to:

• William S. Burroughs' attempt to recreate the William Tell incident by shooting a glass off wife's head; misses apple but not wife.
• The love life of Lord Byron, which was reads like a pamphlet on "STDs and How to Get All of Them."
• Dorothy Parker eating men for breakfast.
• Henry James blowing off America for keeps.
• James Joyce holding a thin veil of contempt for his readers, and most other humans for good measure.
• Ernest Hemingway being drunk at all times.
• F. Scott Fitzgerald being drunk at all times.
• Raymond Carver being drunk at all times but at least getting a book out of it.
• Martin Amis basically being the Mick Jagger of the publishing world.
• Percy B. Shelley inventing the concept of bromance with Lord Byron; depressing his new wife with their ardor.
• Any Marlon Brando story, ever.

I love Literary Troublemakers. Their deeds inspire me. Mostly though, to make trouble. But also art! So really, everybody wins!

Links:

A New Page (Nicholson Baker's New Yorker piece)

Nicholson Baker Runs Up Awesome Set of Expenses For New Yorker Kindle Review (NYMag)

copyright Jill Butler, Ampersandology

Author Slash Rock Star

If I was already ensnared by the writing, when I saw the photograph on the back
flap of the published edition I was seriously smitten; the Jagger lips, moody
monobrow and fag between two fingers exactly fitted the image I’d formed of a
coldly alluring Martin Amis. And even sexier was the discovery that, having left
Oxford with a first-class honours degree in English he was, as his protagonist
dubs himself, “fucking clever”.

This article, detailing the love affair of Martin Amis and Julie Kavanagh, is the best thing in the world. No joke. I Googled "best thing in the world" and this came up. On the Google in my head, anyway.