134 Reasons to be Your Friend

by Jillian Butler, Ampersandology

Stuff White People Like #134: The TED Conference. 

You see white people like the idea of getting smarter quickly, but they don’t like the idea of people thinking that they are lazy. It is a bit of a paradox, but it does explain why white people only like Cliff Notes if they are part of some sort of hilarious college story about last-minute studying for an exam. And why they consider it highly unacceptable to use cliff notes or Wikipedia to get a rough understanding of a book you don’t want to read.

Unfortunately being able to create something that makes you feel smarter without having to do a lot of work has been very difficult. So only a few ideas have ever gained traction with white people, the most notable of which being documentary films and public radio. However, in the past decade a new item has been added to this very short list-TED Talks.

DAMN IT. NOT AGAIN. 

Have a suggestion for a future Ampersandology topic? Got something you’d like to say? All feedback welcome! Shoot us an email at ampersandology@gmail.com, or follow Ampersandology on Facebook. 

Work Hard and Be Nice to People

by Jillian Leigh, Ampersandology

This is a letterpress print by Anthony Burrill; I have wanted it for a very long time. Isn't it marvelous? It's already in its third printing. Just look at that simplicity, and admire the almost rustic lines of the wood block print process--no two would be the same. There is a vitality to this print, mark my overly-attached words.

No matter how trendy it seems to be in typography these days (and yes, I just used the words "trendy" and "typography" in the same sentence), I just never tire of the powerful simplicity in big words in a white space. The Keep Calm Gallery's print collection more or less fulfils this hole in my day.

"Work Hard and Be Nice to People."

"Do What You Love and Love What You Do."

"Freedom is in Peril."

I could live by these words. In fact, I more or less do live by them. I'm pretty sure you could convince me to do anything if you churned that sans-serif suggestion out of a letterpress on some satisfyingly thick paper.

But I just... I can't justify dropping what will probably come to a cool Benjamin on the Burril print when I already have spent enough money this year on typographic art. I mean, I CAN justify it, but let me tell you, it is NOT convincing. No matter how worthy I think the cause is, somehow the government doesn't agree with me that typography should be a tax break. Go figure! It's a war fought in vain, my friends.

I've already brought this beauty home this year. It came all the way from foggy Londontown! Many reproductions have cropped up in the past year, and this 1939 British propaganda posters have become almost trendy. But I wouldn't drop my change on any old reproduction...no my beauty is straight from the source, beautifully hand printed on Rives heavyweight paper (mouldemade in France!) with deckle edges. You can smell the peril, I swear to God.

...This is why Stuff White People Like has me on speed dial, isn't it? I do this to myself.

Postscript: I might make an exception for this mouth-watering Douglas Wilson print. IT IS PRACTICALLY FREE.

Who's a powerful enemy and has two thumbs? THIS GAL.

Today I thought to myself, "Hey, you know, self, you haven't checked Stuff White People Like in a while. And since we're, you know, currently undergoing a pretty intense Literary Feud, we should really stop by." And so I headed over, because if there's one thing I agree with, it's myself.

That's when I saw it.

#126 VESPA SCOOTERS.

As it stands, every single white person on earth either owns, has owned, or is dreaming about owning a Vespa Scooter. And why not? They are Italian, feature vintage design, low emissions, make the rider look more sophisticated, and they carry a little bit of risk. In fact, were it to have a liberal arts degree and a steady income, a Vespa scooter would possesses every important quality that a white person looks for in a spouse.

That's just too goddamn far, SWPL. I am so mad about this that my brain short-circuited and I actually chuckled when I saw this post! Do you know how mad I need to be for that kind of backwards reaction to happen? Spoiler alert: I DID NOT KNOW UNTIL TODAY. So basically, you have pissed me off more than anything I have ever experienced in my admittedly short life, and that is a list that includes sock with sandals, the abstract concept of Anthony Hopkins, and ex-boyfriends who were actually emotional black holes in disguise (sort of like Transformers but with less Shia LeBeouf). So I hope you grasp the import of what I'm saying.

GYAHHYGUH. I am impotent with rage. My love of Vespas is long documented, and I mince no words when I say that you have ruined this mod-lin love affair. In one swift stroke, SWPL, you have make this feud personal and quite frankly, I thought you were better than that.

So great news, Stuff White People Like. I'm pretty sure I can sue you for defamation of character now. And also, for being sneaky bastards who somehow broke the lock on my diary even though I hid it really well. Yeah, like I'm so sure it fell off the bookshelf all by itself. Did you really think I was going to buy that? I have a liberal arts degree, you know, I wasn't born yesterday. YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY TRUST!

The next time our paths cross, it will already be too late.

Literary Feud = ON.

DAMN IT. 

Stuff White People Like #123: Mad Men. 

You guys, is my number written down somewhere in a very public place? Because let me tell you, SWPL has it. Uh, my number that is. Actually, that kind of fell apart upon delivery but...whatever! Stuff White People Like is pissing me off! Everything they say applies to me, and I feel that this is a serious invasion of my privacy. 

The fact that I am, in fact, a White Person is giving me an inferiority complex! And then I'm getting a superiority complex about having an inferiority complex! GOD! 

Stuff White People Like, you've got too far. I could deal with the Wes Anderson dig (#10).  I even made peace with being a Girl With Bangs (#104). I have accepted the fact that 74 of the 123 entries applied either directly or indirectly to my everyday life, and the other 49 made an unsettling, oddly reflexive sense to me. 

But now...now you're hitting me where I live and, like most White People, that makes me very uncomfortable. You need to get out of my well-manicured backyard, located directly in the heart of an up and coming neighbourhood, or I will assault your senses with some clever deadpan humor and go back to reading the Onion and watching the Daily Show. 

You hear that Stuff White People Like? I AM GOING TO CORRECT YOUR GRAMMAR. 

Stuff White People Like, you are the wolf at the door and I shall NOT let you in. Wait, what's this? What the...#101: Being Offended. 

That's it, Stuff White People Like. Literary feud= ON.  Good day to you, sir. 

...

I SAID GOOD DAY. 

The Pop Culture Unfortunates

Don’t let the brows fool you: every Ibsen-reading, wine-drinking, Truffant-quoting fancy pants has a store of Pop Culture Unfortunates in their past: those little blemishes on the hull of any perfectly cultivated intellectual inner life. It happens to the best of us: the five-star restaurant foodie who secretly devours Doritos; the opera connoisseur who watches Two and a Half Men; the hipster poet who digs Phil Collins without a trace of irony (he’s got two ears and a heart, doesn’t he?). They’re all alike. And I happen to have it on good authority. What’s that good authority, you may ask? Well, my own sordid past, of course. Full disclosure, kids. That’s what I’m all about.  

 I know all the words to Hungry Like the Wolf. On purpose.

Look, you can’t help love, right? And I happen to love Duran Duran. More than a little. Actually, more than a lot. I think that not only are they great artists, they also constantly redefine the word ‘awesome.’ Also? Their poetics put a tear in my eye, yet a song remains in my heart. Look no further than the exotic seduction found in Hungry Like the Wolf, the stylish yearning of Rio, the tense, moody staccato of Wild Boys, and you’ll see why Duran Duran is the word. . True science fact: Simon Le Bon is a dreamboat.

Nearly everything on the list of Stuff White People Like applies to me.

No, like, everything. Brunches, girls with bangs, gentrification--I am guilty, guilty, guilty. And I accept this accomplishment with equal parts pride, shame and resignation. But, like most White People, it’s mostly pride.

Stayin’ Alive.

Yeah. The real shame from this admission comes from the fact that not only do I like it better than its predecessor (Saturday Night Fever, and I don’t know WHY you would not know that already). It’s from the fact that I…what’s the word? Like it at all. No, I’m sorry. Like isn’t strong enough. I kind of love it. I just…man, when he puts that snooty British lady in her place by letting her fall during the big dance number? I’m all , “LAWYERED, baby. Outstanding.” In fact…

Just say three words: bad. Dance. Movies.

There’s like my Achilles heel, but instead of leaving me dead on a Greek island, these “films” leave me soaring on clouds of rhythm and joy. Ain’t a terribly crafted, shoddily plotted dance movie that I don’t love with the fire of a teenage poet. Bad dance movies teach me how to live my life (Fight for your dreams, says Flashdance. Never give up, says Step Up. Kevin Bacon should have a place in your heart forever, says Footloose). Do you demand more proof? HAVE IT: I paid money to see Take the Lead. In theatres. WHERE OTHER PEOPLE COULD SEE ME.

(UPDATE! On December 29th, I was in a store that had cruelly placed Footloose and Stayin' Alive next to each other, both for seven dollars and ninety nine cents. Seven dollars and ninety nine cents! I don't know how this store stayed in business, charging next to nothing for the greatest films of my whole life. Y'all, it was like Sophie's Choice up in here. I left empty handed becuase the weight of that choice would haunt me like, for at least twenty minutes.) 

Gossip Girl.

Do I need to say any more? Of course not. Because I still totally don’t watch it. (BLAIR + CHUCK 4EVAH!!!1!!)

 More like The Rules of the LAME.

Okay. I know The Rules of the Game (or La Règle du jeu, 1939) is supposed to be this amazing, benchmark film. But um. Okay. It kind of…sucks. Like, not a lot: it’s not like Showgirls or anything. But I don’t really get the big deal. It seems pretty standard to me. Madcap servants, delusional rich people. Isn’t that, like, the whole point of European cinema? Also, I detest Christine, the quasi-protagonist: I fail to understand how one man would be interested in a stale, boring old prune like her, let alone three (that was the final tally, wasn’t it?). I don’t want to say hackneyed but…okay, I kind of do want to say hackneyed. But I won’t! Because I’m pretty sure they’d take away my White Person membership (see above).

She may be the Man, but I AM THE SHAME.

Okay, this one is hard to admit. But DAMN IT. I have to say it. She’s the Man (starring Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum) is a good movie and a clever adaptation of Shakespeare! I won’t stop there: Amanda Bynes is charming in it and Channing Tatum actually comes close to emoting. Also, I’ve seen it more than once. There. I said it. Okay? Stop LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!

Clint Eastwood? No thank you.

For some reason, I made up my mind to never, ever willingly watch a Clint Eastwood film. Not that ones he’s in, mind you, only the ones he directs. It has something to do with the fact that he makes the most depressing, life-sucking movies of all time. It’s like the feud between the Capulets and the Montagues: it goes back so far I don’t even remember what started it (OH WAIT. I do. Unforgiven. Do you know who emerges from that stupid film unforgiven? Clint Eastwood.) So that means I haven’t seen any of his blasted critical darlings—a list that includes Mystic River, Million Dollar Baby and Letters from Iwo Jima. And God-willing, I never will. I REALIZE THE ERROR OF MY WAYS. I just refuse to change, that’s all. Isn’t that the best possible way of ensuring personal growth?

 I just saw The Shawshank Redemption for the first time.

No, yeah. I know.