Who's a powerful enemy and has two thumbs? THIS GAL.

Today I thought to myself, "Hey, you know, self, you haven't checked Stuff White People Like in a while. And since we're, you know, currently undergoing a pretty intense Literary Feud, we should really stop by." And so I headed over, because if there's one thing I agree with, it's myself.

That's when I saw it.

#126 VESPA SCOOTERS.

As it stands, every single white person on earth either owns, has owned, or is dreaming about owning a Vespa Scooter. And why not? They are Italian, feature vintage design, low emissions, make the rider look more sophisticated, and they carry a little bit of risk. In fact, were it to have a liberal arts degree and a steady income, a Vespa scooter would possesses every important quality that a white person looks for in a spouse.

That's just too goddamn far, SWPL. I am so mad about this that my brain short-circuited and I actually chuckled when I saw this post! Do you know how mad I need to be for that kind of backwards reaction to happen? Spoiler alert: I DID NOT KNOW UNTIL TODAY. So basically, you have pissed me off more than anything I have ever experienced in my admittedly short life, and that is a list that includes sock with sandals, the abstract concept of Anthony Hopkins, and ex-boyfriends who were actually emotional black holes in disguise (sort of like Transformers but with less Shia LeBeouf). So I hope you grasp the import of what I'm saying.

GYAHHYGUH. I am impotent with rage. My love of Vespas is long documented, and I mince no words when I say that you have ruined this mod-lin love affair. In one swift stroke, SWPL, you have make this feud personal and quite frankly, I thought you were better than that.

So great news, Stuff White People Like. I'm pretty sure I can sue you for defamation of character now. And also, for being sneaky bastards who somehow broke the lock on my diary even though I hid it really well. Yeah, like I'm so sure it fell off the bookshelf all by itself. Did you really think I was going to buy that? I have a liberal arts degree, you know, I wasn't born yesterday. YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY TRUST!

The next time our paths cross, it will already be too late.

Words fail me. Happiness lifts me.

A WOODEN VESPA? Portuguese craftsman Carlos Alberto, have you been reading my diary? 

See, I know it's really love this time, because I've never been so afraid...but I've also never felt more alive. Wooden Vespa, I feel like you really get me. So I wrote you a haiku. It's my valentine to you (it's based on our favourite Milli Vanilli song, the one I sang in your ear while we sat in the street). 

Girl I think you know

It's true, I'm so in love girl

David Caruso

To witness the birth of this wonderous thing, click here. But if you try and take her away from me, I'll find you. And there may be blood.